And now I have 203 bones...

So I broke my foot last week. Dumb. Just walking down the street and saw a snowman…thought it would be a fun idea to kick it. Bad idea. Turns out it wasn’t actually a snowman but an ice-sculpture that someone had sprinkled snow over. Karma, eh? So I dislocated my big toe and broke two small bones in my foot. Resetting my toe was (really) fucking painful, but after that I figured it was NBD; I’ve broken enough bones before and the healing part was never an issue.

Turns out that was incorrect as well. I went back to the VA today to get my foot checked on and…ouch.

Below is a pic of the two sesamoid bones in your foot. They are both encased inside a tendon (the tendon that attaches your big toe to the rest of the major bones in your foot). Turns out that I cracked the outermost one and shattered the inner one (into like six pieces). It won’t heal itself naturally and the pieces are too small for them to try and fuse it back together, so they are going to go in and surgically removed all fragments of the bone entirely. They have to go inside the tendon to dig the pieces out, so it should be a whole lotta fun…I’m glad they are giving me a general anesthetic.


This is a pretty intense surgery, I guess. It’s called “plantar reconstructive surgery” because it repairs the same area that’s effected by Plantar Fasciitis and Turf Toe. Apparently that particular tendon joins up with several ligaments and a nerve cluster at the exact location of those two bones, and the whole process is intertwined pretty intensely. So anyways, surgery is scheduled for 11:30am tomorrow and I’ll be on bed-rest Thursday. 5-6 weeks in an aircast/crutches is what they are telling me but I’m a fast healer, so I’m thinking 4 weeks. Good stuff, huh?

Living the Dream...

I've hated Christmas for years. I went home to Cali for the Holidays last year and I'm pretty positive that was the first time I truly enjoyed Christmas since 1995.

I'm not 100% sure what's going on but--somehow--things seem different this year. Maybe it's perspective; I've gained a helluva lot of it in the last year. Maybe it's just because I'm happier with myself than I've been in a long time. Whatever, I find myself getting into the spirit of things far more than I have in the past.

I broke my foot last weekend. For some reason I thought that kicking a snowman sounded like a good idea. Unfortunately, it wasn't just a simple snowman, but a fucking ice sculpture that someone had sprinkled snow over. Yeah, like 90 lbs of solid ice. Needless to say, the ice didn't give, but I have the dislocated big toe and two cracked metatarsals to show that my foot did.

DON'T DO IT!

So I've got a cast on my foot and I'm motoring around on crutches for the next couple of weeks or so. NBD. The reality is, that little tangent aside, I've got it made. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face. I love my job. I love the people in my life. I love the direction my life seems to be going. But one thing I've come to be more cognizant of is that even when the destination looks sweet, you gotta enjoy the journey.

And I am, my friends. I'm enjoying every minute of it. Happy Holidays.

We don't know what this is, exactly. But it's Metal as Fuck.

This is a photograph of a menu--for maybe the Coolest Restaurant Ever--that has been making the rounds on the internet. On the plus side, this place looks unbelievably awesome. On the downside, despite my googlestalking prowess, I can find neither hide nor hair of said restaurant's physical location.

The low prices rule out the Coasts, and the psuedo-Pagan/Satanic nature of the restaurant itself probably rules out the Bible Belt. Thus, I'm thinking somewhere in the Midwest or Great Plains. I could totally see this place being a huge hit in Sturgis during the bike rally, fwiw.

Regardless, if anyone has any idea where this place is actually located, please do your small part towards making the world a better place and post it on this blog so I can spread the word. Thanks all! \m/

(click on pic to enlarge for full awesomeness)

We don't care where you like it...

unless it's in the butt.

Seriously.

Apparently unemployed Womyn's Studies graduates everywhere have been scheming to come up with a clever new trick to communicate in secret and leave us slow, knuckle-dragging men blinking like brook trout in befuddled wonder.

"I like it on the floor," "I like it on the couch," "I like it on my desk" ... you may have seen some of these Facebook status updates in the last week.

But what is "it"?

It is for "purse." The Washington Post's Melissa Bell explains:

Women are posting where they like to keep their purses when they come home, but they conveniently leave out the word "purse." October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and the "I like it on" trend is an attempt for women to unite around that cause in a top secret way. The idea is figuratively to leave men in the dark.

Let me tell you what else "it" is: it's fucking stupid. Sorry, girls. If you want to PM each other or get some sweet group email going that leaves us me out, we're totally fine with that. But broadcasting anything that can be ambiguously related to sex while attempting to "figuratively leave men in the dark" is just plain asinine.

What’s the point? To sit back and see clueless responses of us idiot males as we are stupefied by your mysterious and provocative nature? The sheer disdainfulness of that is akin to pointing out if your puns were intended.

"Hey stupid Y-chromosome, you see that play on words I just made? Yeah, well that wasn't an accident. In fact, I thought it was so clever that I didn't think your simple mind would be able to comprehend the brilliance of my play on words, and I wanted to make sure you know that those of us with ovaries are not only smart enough to use homonyms, but that we’re smart enough to point them out."

If you want to post something chock-full of random sexual innuendo, make it worth my while, please. "I like it on my face" is a good start. "I like it on my butterfly tattoo" works as well; assuming the ink is on your lower back, my mind will immediately wander to the target practice and the trajectories involved.
And of course "I like it in the butt" will more than likely prompt a trip to CVS so I can buy you a toothbrush.

But whatever you do, please don't confuse "it" with "that." Because, as we all know, some of us just won't do That.

He is Fernando! The Party Planner!

I got this from one of my buddies who lives in NYC. Apparently this is a real commercial that actually airs on real television in the Bronx. (God bless America) This 1:10 of pure, unadulterated Awesomeness is best savored with the volume up loudly.



There might not be enough words in the B2K™ lexicon to adequately how awesomely bad this commercial is, but let's just start with the hair. Wow. Somewhere, Eriq La Salle is rejoicing that Soul-Glo has made it's triumphant return.


And this guys has some chops too. No, he'll never be The World's Most Interesting Man or even The Man Your Man Could Smell Like, but he's still got skillz. Enjoy.

Sometimes I Hate Facebook

For the record, I love Facebook. In addition to allowing me to connect to people I've met living all over the country, it provides delightful entertainment at times. Sadly, there are times when the bumrush of idiocy outweighs the entertainment value for me. One issue I have with Facebook is that it tends to bring out the stupid in people. Or rather, it allows the stupid in people to be broadcasted instantly and forcefully, in the form of inane Facebook updates.

First up we have the Quasi-Pious Update.
Leon ****** needs 2 jus wait 4 GOD 2 reveal my purpose, instead of trying 2 rush GOD 2 reveal my purpose.
Really? That's awesome. And i'm glad you saved so much time typing 2 instead to laboring to spell out to. Not to sound like the crotchety old man yelling "get off my lawn!" but how fucking lazy is that? And if it's not laziness, that's even worse, because you think it's cool. Guess what? Letters like U and R can mean words like You and Are! Sweet, huh? Douchetard.

How about the Superfluous Letter Update?
Erica ****** ♥ 's her bayybeeee!!!!
WTF? Call me old and crotchety (again) but I just don't get it when girlsss talk likeeee thissss I just don't understand what the need for those extra letters is. And when the hell did HANGIN WITH THE BESTIES become a fucking team sport?

And I loves me some Bullshit Internet Quote Update.
Wait for the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, will stay awake just to watch you sleep...Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, Who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without make up, one who is constantly reminding you how much he cares and how lucky is he to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."
Bullshit and bullshit again, I say. Girls that post crap like this are the same type of girls that cheat on guys who act like that. Enough said.

Finally, we need to include the Meathead Douchebag Gym Update.
Mike ****** dear Jack3d and AMP whey protein and pro preformance creatine 189, thank you for letting me bench 250 lbs 2x, that's almost double my body weight and makes me feel awesome
Dear Mike, nobody cares. Not about what supplements you're using to mold your 13-inch guns, nor about what routine you are doing down at the Y, and not even about which product you use in your hair.

On second thought, that's amazing. What product are you using in your hair?

On the disturbing foresight of Mr. Jefferson...

I was reading this weekend (shocking, I know) and I came across this Thomas Jefferson quote:

"Yes, we did produce a near perfect republic. But will they keep it?
Or will they in their enjoyment of plenty, lose the memory of freedom?
Material abundance without character is the surest way to self-destruction.
Indeed, I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just."

Now, it's no secret that I've always had a man-crush on TJ. This guy was a serious badass. Yeah, sure everyone knows he wrote the Declaration of Independence. Most are hip to the fact that he made it illegal to import slaves (basically establishing the necessary framework for any and all future civil rights) and was responsible for acquiring 23% of modern day America's land.

Some are even aware that he was probably the smartest President in American history. (Case in point: John F. Kennedy once held a gathering with the brightest minds in the world--49 Nobel Prize winners--in the White House Dining Room. It was here that he quipped that this was "...probably the greatest concentration of talent and genius in this house except for perhaps those times when Thomas Jefferson ate alone." There were no laughs. Because it wasn't a joke.)

Not many are aware TJ won a war against pirates (in only one term!), designed his own home, which is often ranked as one of the top architectural wonders of America, or that he founded Virgina College because William and Mary wasn't smart enough for him. Oh, and did I mention HE HAD FUCKING AUTISM?! So yeah, basically the greatest political badass in American history--think Ronald Reagan meets Tony Stark.

That's just one reason why the above quote is disturbing to me. As I look around and see where we appear to be headed, none of it looks good. When I contemplate the fact that someone that intelligent saw the whole thing coming (and the general path it would take) roughly 250 years ago, it makes me take heed. Of course, what to do about it?

Random thoughts for a Monday afternoon. Cheers, people.

Conan the Musical?

No, it's not real, as much as it should be. After all, kids like musicals. Think of the awesome possibilities here of educating our young on the most important things in life early. Specifically, crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you and hearing the lamentation of their women.

Yay(!) for montage awesomeness.

On another note, how boring--and lame--by comparison is the next governor of California going to be? Oh well...maybe this gives Arnie the chance to finally film Conan the King, like I (and nerds like me) have been waiting expectantly for the last 20 years or so.
If this thing actually gets completed, it will make Star Trek (2009) look like the Diet Coke of long-awaited sequel awesomeness. A guy can dream, right?

Best. Haircut. Ever...

There aren't many things in life that can make me feel as good as a truly sweet haircut. Huge props to Sabrina at Lady Jane's, Ann Arbor, for her hour-long effort to drop some whupass on my unruly tresses this past Saturday, an effort which was a virtuoso display of both excellent taste and shear scissor-wielding badassery.

If I still drank, this is how my Saturday night would have went down. Especially if I could afford to hire Steel Panther for a gig.

James Toney is insane...

and not in a good way. Not, for instance, like Clubber Lang Insane.

No, Mr. Toney is insane in a manner similar to the way Timothy Treadwell was insane. Note I said was, as the late Grizzly Man is no longer with us.

I know that I'm supposed to root for (or at least support) Toney, as he's the local Ann Arbor/Ypsi boy, but it's hard to get behind anyone that's obviously either insane or really really stupid.



Note to James: Randy Couture is The Man. He is light years better than you at every single aspect of MMA that isn't straight boxing and is in ridiculously better shape, in addition to being a helluva lot bigger than you are. Randy Couture will absolutely smash you. Furthermore, Randy Couture is Captain America; he is maybe the only person in MMA that every single MMA fan really likes.

Talking shit about Randy Couture isn't going to promote your fight, dumbass--everyone watches Randy fight anyways. All it's going to do is make every MMA fan on earth pray that said fight actually happens so they can watch Captain America destroy you and then watch you fade back into well-deserved irrelevance.

Vuvuzela's Revenge

Even the formerly sacrosanct territory of all-things-Lord-of-the-Rings has been invaded by my new least-favorite South African export.



Ugghhh.

Apparently America really is this stupid

I'm going to start out here with the assumption that you don't know who Hank Johnson is. No biggie; don't beat yourself up for being uninformed. For most of America, there's not much reason to know exactly who Hank Johnson is.


Apparently Hank Johnson is a congressman from the great state of Georgia. He has two degrees, including a Juris Doctor, and practiced law for over 25 years prior to being elected in 2006. Despite this, Hank Johnson apparently doesn't understand basic physics. Or geology. Or gravity and other common sense things that should be terribly obvious by the time one has matriculated from 2nd grade.

In the clip below, you will see Mr. Johnson speaking to Admiral Robert Willard about a potential military buildup on the island of Guam. Approximately 1:25 into the clip below, you will see Congressman Johnson express concerns that the addition of 8,000 military men could cause the island to "tip over and capsize."

Yes. I'm not kidding. Check it out.



The all the discipline of a career military man, Admiral Willard simply responds, "We don't anticipate that." Well played, Admiral. Well played, indeed.

So yes, America. This is who we are. The Apocalypse is nigh.

Sorry. Wrong hole...

Someone's getting on the Lonely Island Wannabe train. In his defense, the lyrics are pretty funny ("In my defense, those holes are so close together...") and the pseudo 80's/90's "video" is excellent; sort of a hybrid between a video for a 1985 arena rock band and something 'N Sync would have done.

Enjoy.

Pac-Man to Detroit?

According to THIS article, it looks like Adam "Pac-Man" Jones might be headed to the Detroit Lions. If you think about it, it does make a little sense. The height of Jones' professional success came in Tennessee when he was playing under Lion's head coach Jim Schwartz.

Well, it's not as if the Lions have anything to lose. They can pay Jones peanuts and he's got to be an improvement over whomever he replaces. Chris Houston? Jonathan Wade? Ughh.

And of course, there's the economic upside. We're talking about Detroit, people. This is a city with unemployment rate hovering around 50%. With Iverson taking his game out of town, single moms and struggling college students (those are both politically correct terms for "stripper," for the obtuse amongst you) throughout SE Michigan and Windsor really need someone to pick up the slack.


Coming soon to a Vu near you?

We're Number 239!!

So yeah, I went to public school. So what? After my folks' nasty custody battle when I was twelve, my Dad and I split the state of California. We bounced all over the southwestern United States, eventually landing in Reno, NV.

I transferred in to Earl Wooster High School (Home of the Colts!) on October 31st and that place remained my home for the next 3.5 years. Now, as a kid that had moved around a lot, WHS didn't seem particularly special. Definitely more white-bread than I was used to. I think we had like 15 black kids in the whole school, half of whom were related and 3/4 of whom all played sports. There were some Mexicans and a few Asians--nothing near what the ratios were like in my hometown hood of South Sacramento--but other than that it seemed pretty normal.

We didn't have a ton of "college-bound" kids at WHS; My school was made up of jocks, rednecks and kids from some of the more ghetto areas of Reno. Probably 20% of my graduating class was accepted into a four-year university right out of college. We had a few girls make the Ivy League and one dude get into Stanford, but other than that it was pretty much Tier II State U for everyone else that went to college after graduation. We were much better known for being of the two premiere football factories in the state than we were known for smart kids...that was always the province of the "rich" schools across town, like Reed High or Reno High.

All these years I've been making cracks to my friends and peers in academia that I was a "product of the public school system" and to please not hold it against me. So imagine my surprise when I discovered today that a new study published by NEWSWEEK ranks WHS--my alma mater--within the top 1% of all public schools nationwide.

The study specifically ranks the "Top 1500 Public Schools" and then goes on to identify that these 1500 comprise the top six percent of all public schools in America tested in such a manner. Good ol' Earl Wooster High falls in at #239 overall. Yup, in the whole nation.

Obama getting his campaign on at the WHS

Damn. Go figure, huh?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

As someone that has spent over a decade (off and on) as a bartender, I pretty much despise Amateur Hour. For years, the idea of going out to the bar on a Friday or Saturday night has always sounded absurd...I mean, why would I? On the weekends the bar is packed to the gills with people that only drink on rare occasions and have no idea how to handle themselves when they do. Umm, I'll pass. Give me a Sunday or a Tuesday night out anytime, thank you.

It's for this same reason that I hold a particular hatred for the Amateur Holidays. New Years Eve? Terrible. 4th of July? Can't stand it. It's the same principle as a Saturday night out, but to the fourth power. No thanks, I'll stay home and avoid having my shoes puked on, thank you very much.

However, there is--and has always been, for me--one exception to the Amateur Hour rule: St. Patrick's Day. I fuckin love St. Pat's. It's my favorite holiday of the year. Maybe it has something to do with the time I spent in Savannah, GA, home of the world's largest St. Patty's Day festival. Maybe it's because wherever you go on March 17th it's a complete shit-show from sunrise to sunset. Maybe because it's 24 hours of watching people furiously grasp at that elusive thing known as "fun" and try and ride it as hard and as fast as they can.

This might have something do do with it as well.

Truth be told, it really doesn't matter why. The fact of the matter is that today, on my favorite day of the year--whether you're partaking or just observing--I have one thing and one thing only to say to you: Sláinte, my friend.

Neil Young gets the last laugh

I miss the 1970's. Not that I actually remember them. I mean, I was technically around (for about a blink) but I was too young to have any memories. Regardless, I miss just about everything the 70's represent, not least of which is pop music that's actually...well, actually good.

Just when you thought you never wanted to hear anything "Pants on the Ground" ever again, Neil Young* proves you (and everyone else) wrong.

Fuck you, Skynyrd.



*So yeah, it's actually Jimmy Fallon and not Neil Young. Who cares? It's still awesome.

Is it just me or is that Betty White on your inner thigh?

As those of you that follow this thing know, we've seen some terrible tattoos in our time. We've even seen a few that are so ridiculous--so audacious--they turn terrible on it's ear and somehow emerge as pure awesomeness.

Yep. It's rare but it does happen. Anyone recall the Swayzaur? Yeah, exactly.

However, even the Swayzaur pales in comparison to this masterpiece in sheer absurdity.

Holy fuck, right?!

Not only do we have a Mt. Rushmore-esque panorama of Golden Girl deliciousness slathered across a set of thighs (the owner of which definitely seems too young to recall Blanche, Rose, Dorothy and Sophia in prime--or post-prime--glory) but we also have the phrase "Stay Gold." For those of you too young to recall, "Stay Gold" is the most famous quote from the 1983 movie The Outsiders, a quote that's actually in reference to the Robert Frost poem "Nothing Gold Can Stay."

All in all, this tat is a masterpiece in homage to the 80's. Sure, it won't look too pretty when it's owner is carrying it around 30 years from now, but I think that's a small price to pay to rock such unadulterated awesomeness. Even if only for a little while. Cheers.

NSD 2010 Implications, both for UM and nationwide...

National Signing Day 2010 has come and gone with all the appropriate hullabaloo. As a Michigan fan, it was kind of a mixed bag. So let's hit the obvious highs and lows about UM and then touch a bit on some national trends which I find encouraging.

First the Good:

• Devin Gardner was the best dual-threat QB in the nation and the top guy on RR’s board. I don’t give two shits that Rivals ranked him out of their Top 100; our staff thought he was the very best available and they got him.
• Demar Dorsey (at either CB or S) is the kind of athlete that, historically, only commits to UM twice a decade or so. The sky’s the limit for this kid.
• Richard Ash (DT), Cullen Christian (CB), Ricardo Miller (WR), Marvin Robinson (LB), and Ken Wilkins (DE) all have “elite” potential. These guys look (right now) like they could be legit multi-year starters at UM, as well as All B10 or even potential All Americans somewhere down the road.
• Courtney Avery (CB), Jibreel Black (DT), Josh Furman (LB), Carvin Johnson (S/OLB), Conelious Jones (QB) and Jake Ryan (LB/DE) all appear to be ridiculous athletes that—either due to injury or to playing out of position—were highly underrated.
• DB and DT got an infusion of bodies and the LB position got an infusion of speed. If RR is still around two years from now, he will have a deep and fast defense to coach.
• In addition to the scholarship kids, our preferred walkons this year include an all-state kicker (Jeremy Ross 5'5 145 Ann Arbor, MI Pioneer), a wideout that was rated a 3* player by Scout (Baquer Sayed 6'1 175 4.78 Dearborn, MI Fordson), two nimble-footed OL (Kristian Mateus 6'8 285 Grand Rapids, MI Forest Hills Central and Dylan Esterline 6'6 215 Blissfield, MI) , as well as two very athletic utility players (Quintin Tucker LB/DL 6'1 230 San Diego, CA Scripps Ranch and Antonio Lewis DB/LB/RB 5'11 190 Detroit, MI Central)

Now the Bad:

• We still didn’t land a true NT. This is a vital component to GERG’s 4-3 Hybrid defense. After Graves and Jones decommitted last year at NSD, that leaves us with only Big Will Campbell and Sagesse to play NT this year. (That is, of course, assuming the coaches move beastly Mike Martin back to his 3-tech DT position to cry havoc and let slip the wolverines of war in 2010.) Furthermore, it means that in 2011, BWC will either be backed up by a RS frosh/true soph or Martin will be forced to move back to NT.
• We only landed one scholarship OL this year. What this means, given the current scholarship situation, is that—barring a walkon somehow starting—UM will be forced to play at least one redshirt sophomore on the offensive line in 2012.

Now let's peep the NSD Consensus Rankings. These are brought to you by my buddy StinkyP1nky and combine all four of the national recruiting services, weighted equally.



What does it all mean? Well, with the exception of a few cases where the rich got richer (U$C, Florida) and the Red River Rivalry continuing in the Big 12, it means one thing: PARITY.

• Sure, Florida was at the top, but there were four SEC teams in the Top 10.
• And yes, U$C’s class was ridiculous, but there were four Pac10 teams in the Top 15 and five in the Top 20; this is a far cry from the last decade of the Pac10 being a conference with a “Big One and Little Nine.” Even barring Impending NCAA Sanction Doom, it’s difficult to imagine U$C* continuing to run roughshod over the Pac10 for years to come if this continues.
• In the Big Ten, Ohio State totally shat the bed. Seriously, OSU is the only major football program in the nation's 4th best state for football talent, yet they somehow let the three best players in their state (Latwan Anderson, Jordan Hicks and Spencer Ware) get away to out-of-state schools. PSU easily had the best class in the conference, yet somehow UM came in second(!) with what has been considered the consensus “worst” recruiting class since 2000.

The way I see it, parity sucks when you’re one of the big dogs and great when you’re one of the little guys trying to catch up. Like it or not, Michigan is currently facing a crisis of ego and perception as a program. We have the history, tradition, facilities and money to be among the elite of the CFB universe, but two years of suckitude, shitty public relations (thanks, in the most part to our own Dickhead Benedict Arnold Local Michigan Media) and playing in a conference that has a reputation as staid, stodgy and outdated (thank you Jim Delany, you arrogant fuck) have conspired to drop UM down to one of those middle-tier BCS schools in the minds of many recruits. Luckily, high school kids have short memories. A year or two of winning and Michigan will go back to being “Michigan.” I just hope it happens sooner than later.

Cheers, friends.

*A small tangential aside: I generally feel bad for kids that end up suffering the consequences of coaches' actions when a school goes on probation. In the soon to be case of U$C, that's just not true at all. Yes, I realize these are 17 and 18 year-old kids, but this investigation has been ongoing in one extent or another since Reggie Bush got called out for cheating in 2006. Sorry new Trojans, I hope you never play in a bowl game and I hope your family never gets to watch a single game of you playing on television. That is all.

There's a lesson here, somewhere...

So I sort of stumbled across this online. Apparently there was a bit of sibling trouble in paradise. The following is an actual Facebook blast* that has been modified for mass consumption, as well as an actual attached photo*. The blast is funny, the photo is even funnier, and the attached comments* are epic. Consume!

*Click on each pic to enlarge, if necessary.



Uh oh...what did Chris find?



Ouch. Look Katie, I'm all for lists. I love them. I'm a "list person" even; I keep my life organized via legal pads. However, there's certain inevitable rules of discretion that have to accompany certain types of lists. Leaving a Kill List like this on a blank sheet of paper where anyone can see it is basically asking for it to be found and broadcasted. In the future, if some sort of OCD compels to to write this shit down, try an Excel spreadsheet. It's faster and more effecient anyways...not that I would know anything about that. Just sayin...



Oh man, where to begin...



The best part: "What are you gonna do? Tell mom and dad I uploaded your dicksucking list to facebook? Go ahead." This is absolutely classic.

Anyways, share this with a friend...it makes for a good laugh. Cheers, folks.

It's so coooold in the D!

Yes, it's an oldie, but this shit never ceases to be funny. And with the temps in SE Michigan dropping to the single digits, I can think of few better ways to ring in 2010 than the most hilariously bad video ever. Enjoy!