Christian Audigier is a pederast

It has to stop, people. This is utter insanity. It's bad enough that we've been subjected to shitty Ed Hardy shirts, jeans and hats, but now we've got cups, candles, air fresheners and seat covers? Holy fuck, isn't there a recession going on? Why on God's green earth are people spending $50 for a shirt that looks like absolute crap?

I mean, generally the deciding factors in buying any sort of apparel are quality, price and style. We're talking 50-60 bucks for a fucking tee shirt here; how great can the quality really be? If it last five-ten years that makes it...oh, just about as durable as every other tee shirt I own. If this was the coolest thing since the Wonderbra, I could dig it, but seriously? Look at this shirt. LOOK AT IT!


That's a professional model in that pic and the shirt still looks hideous. They all look hideous. Your average Ed Hardy shirt has a disgusting combination of hearts, roses, tigers and eagles vomited out in random disarray and covered with Swarovski crystals, sometimes including scrollwork with the ubiquitous quote, "Love Kills Slowly." Yeah. Like, whatever the fuck that means. Ed Hardy shirts come every color imaginable, yet still manage to look bad with every article of clothing ever created. Its a rare accomplishment for one shirt to suck this much; the only things that go well with Ed Hardy clothing are fake orange tans and social ostracism.

The one redeeming quality they have is that they usually serve as an excellent social barometer. If I meet a dude wearing an Ed Hardy shirt I can immediately tell one of two things.

• He’s under 23. Mom and dad are still shelling out ridiculous gobs of cash to support his various habits, which include jaegerbombs, absurd amounts of hair product, bad fashion choices and cocaine. His faux-goth urban hipster ass just graduated from shopping at Hot Topic, but it hasn't evolved an iota.
• He’s over 23. He’s a complete douchetard that has no sense of fashion and an even poorer sense of silly things like “self respect” and “good hygiene.” Yes, I’m talking to you asshole; spraying on Axe until your eyes swell up is no excuse for bathing. You do not look "hardcore" or "edgy." You look like a fucking douche. Plain and simple.

And because a picture says a thousand words:


So that's my feelings on the subject. Had to get that off my chest as the holiday shopping season is upon us. Cheers, people.

Goodbye, Brandon Graham...

The 3rd Saturday of November has come and gone. Michigan turns the page on another disappointing season. New Years Day will roll by in 2010 (like in 2009) with me not being overly excited about anything...a feeling that is still somehow unfamiliar. What is left for the kids and coaches heading into the 2010 season is hope. Hope that the game slows down; that "bigger-faster-stronger" becomes a reality; that The System shows it can work; that the hard work pays off eventually.

For a small group of outgoing seniors, that hope is gone; they will never play college football again. Some will move on to the NFL and others will have success in areas outside of football. But this isn't about that. This post is very simply a heartfelt "thank you" to one man: Brandon Graham. BG55. Double Nickels.

I can honestly say in almost 20 years of watching football, I have NEVER seen a player on a team (and a defense) as atrociously bad as the 2009 Wolverines play so damn well. I've never seen a player on a team that bad play so hard on every single snap.



Coming out of high school four years ago, I'm sure you saw Big Ten championships, BCS bowl games and maybe even a run at the National Title in your future. I'm sorry that it didn't work out that way, kid. But the defense this year wasn't your fault.

• Not your fault that in Lloyd’s last three classes, he only signed four DTs, two of which (Kates, McKinney) didn’t stick around.
• Not your fault that Jones and Graves decommitted last year, and that Martin has no help inside
• Not your fault that the LBers behind you might have been the worst-coached UM linebackers in 40 years.
• Not your fault that in 2009 UM had exactly one scholarship player (Williams) at Safety on the roster.
• Not your fault that Cissoko couldn’t take school seriously, leaving Warren as the only legitimate B10-caliber CB with any experience at all.
• Not your fault that Witty didn’t qualify on time or that Turner showed up late and out-of-shape and couldn’t give #6 any help.

My buddy Johnny says it more poetically than I ever could about you: "When you are calm, leadership is all procedure. I have been here a while and I will say uplifting things; that is my job. Beyond that, it is up to them. They recognize your pain but they do not feel it as thoroughly as you do. How could they? No one else’s talent is as immense, as glaringly squandered on this embarrassment."

So I'm sorry it's over for you at UM, BG55. I know this wasn't the way it was supposed to be; the most talented defensive player to walk through Schembechler Hall since Woodson shouldn't have left not playing in a Bowl Game as an upperclassman nor ever having beaten OSU. But that's the way it worked out. The football gods owe us big-time and one of these years we are going to collect in a major way.

For now, get ready for the draft. And if you ever stop and wonder about the things you didn't accomplish at Michigan, or maybe "what if" about what might have happened if you went elsewhere, I have only one thing to say.

Thank you. For everything.