NSD 2010 Implications, both for UM and nationwide...

National Signing Day 2010 has come and gone with all the appropriate hullabaloo. As a Michigan fan, it was kind of a mixed bag. So let's hit the obvious highs and lows about UM and then touch a bit on some national trends which I find encouraging.

First the Good:

• Devin Gardner was the best dual-threat QB in the nation and the top guy on RR’s board. I don’t give two shits that Rivals ranked him out of their Top 100; our staff thought he was the very best available and they got him.
• Demar Dorsey (at either CB or S) is the kind of athlete that, historically, only commits to UM twice a decade or so. The sky’s the limit for this kid.
• Richard Ash (DT), Cullen Christian (CB), Ricardo Miller (WR), Marvin Robinson (LB), and Ken Wilkins (DE) all have “elite” potential. These guys look (right now) like they could be legit multi-year starters at UM, as well as All B10 or even potential All Americans somewhere down the road.
• Courtney Avery (CB), Jibreel Black (DT), Josh Furman (LB), Carvin Johnson (S/OLB), Conelious Jones (QB) and Jake Ryan (LB/DE) all appear to be ridiculous athletes that—either due to injury or to playing out of position—were highly underrated.
• DB and DT got an infusion of bodies and the LB position got an infusion of speed. If RR is still around two years from now, he will have a deep and fast defense to coach.
• In addition to the scholarship kids, our preferred walkons this year include an all-state kicker (Jeremy Ross 5'5 145 Ann Arbor, MI Pioneer), a wideout that was rated a 3* player by Scout (Baquer Sayed 6'1 175 4.78 Dearborn, MI Fordson), two nimble-footed OL (Kristian Mateus 6'8 285 Grand Rapids, MI Forest Hills Central and Dylan Esterline 6'6 215 Blissfield, MI) , as well as two very athletic utility players (Quintin Tucker LB/DL 6'1 230 San Diego, CA Scripps Ranch and Antonio Lewis DB/LB/RB 5'11 190 Detroit, MI Central)

Now the Bad:

• We still didn’t land a true NT. This is a vital component to GERG’s 4-3 Hybrid defense. After Graves and Jones decommitted last year at NSD, that leaves us with only Big Will Campbell and Sagesse to play NT this year. (That is, of course, assuming the coaches move beastly Mike Martin back to his 3-tech DT position to cry havoc and let slip the wolverines of war in 2010.) Furthermore, it means that in 2011, BWC will either be backed up by a RS frosh/true soph or Martin will be forced to move back to NT.
• We only landed one scholarship OL this year. What this means, given the current scholarship situation, is that—barring a walkon somehow starting—UM will be forced to play at least one redshirt sophomore on the offensive line in 2012.

Now let's peep the NSD Consensus Rankings. These are brought to you by my buddy StinkyP1nky and combine all four of the national recruiting services, weighted equally.



What does it all mean? Well, with the exception of a few cases where the rich got richer (U$C, Florida) and the Red River Rivalry continuing in the Big 12, it means one thing: PARITY.

• Sure, Florida was at the top, but there were four SEC teams in the Top 10.
• And yes, U$C’s class was ridiculous, but there were four Pac10 teams in the Top 15 and five in the Top 20; this is a far cry from the last decade of the Pac10 being a conference with a “Big One and Little Nine.” Even barring Impending NCAA Sanction Doom, it’s difficult to imagine U$C* continuing to run roughshod over the Pac10 for years to come if this continues.
• In the Big Ten, Ohio State totally shat the bed. Seriously, OSU is the only major football program in the nation's 4th best state for football talent, yet they somehow let the three best players in their state (Latwan Anderson, Jordan Hicks and Spencer Ware) get away to out-of-state schools. PSU easily had the best class in the conference, yet somehow UM came in second(!) with what has been considered the consensus “worst” recruiting class since 2000.

The way I see it, parity sucks when you’re one of the big dogs and great when you’re one of the little guys trying to catch up. Like it or not, Michigan is currently facing a crisis of ego and perception as a program. We have the history, tradition, facilities and money to be among the elite of the CFB universe, but two years of suckitude, shitty public relations (thanks, in the most part to our own Dickhead Benedict Arnold Local Michigan Media) and playing in a conference that has a reputation as staid, stodgy and outdated (thank you Jim Delany, you arrogant fuck) have conspired to drop UM down to one of those middle-tier BCS schools in the minds of many recruits. Luckily, high school kids have short memories. A year or two of winning and Michigan will go back to being “Michigan.” I just hope it happens sooner than later.

Cheers, friends.

*A small tangential aside: I generally feel bad for kids that end up suffering the consequences of coaches' actions when a school goes on probation. In the soon to be case of U$C, that's just not true at all. Yes, I realize these are 17 and 18 year-old kids, but this investigation has been ongoing in one extent or another since Reggie Bush got called out for cheating in 2006. Sorry new Trojans, I hope you never play in a bowl game and I hope your family never gets to watch a single game of you playing on television. That is all.

There's a lesson here, somewhere...

So I sort of stumbled across this online. Apparently there was a bit of sibling trouble in paradise. The following is an actual Facebook blast* that has been modified for mass consumption, as well as an actual attached photo*. The blast is funny, the photo is even funnier, and the attached comments* are epic. Consume!

*Click on each pic to enlarge, if necessary.



Uh oh...what did Chris find?



Ouch. Look Katie, I'm all for lists. I love them. I'm a "list person" even; I keep my life organized via legal pads. However, there's certain inevitable rules of discretion that have to accompany certain types of lists. Leaving a Kill List like this on a blank sheet of paper where anyone can see it is basically asking for it to be found and broadcasted. In the future, if some sort of OCD compels to to write this shit down, try an Excel spreadsheet. It's faster and more effecient anyways...not that I would know anything about that. Just sayin...



Oh man, where to begin...



The best part: "What are you gonna do? Tell mom and dad I uploaded your dicksucking list to facebook? Go ahead." This is absolutely classic.

Anyways, share this with a friend...it makes for a good laugh. Cheers, folks.

It's so coooold in the D!

Yes, it's an oldie, but this shit never ceases to be funny. And with the temps in SE Michigan dropping to the single digits, I can think of few better ways to ring in 2010 than the most hilariously bad video ever. Enjoy!

First (and last) thoughts on Tiger Woods

As some of you know, I play golf sometimes. I'm not very good but I enjoy it tremendously.

For the last ten years I have given nary a thought to Tiger. When he was on his game, he was unstoppable. He had this squeaky-clean image of an All-American white kid that just happened to be black and asian by birth, complete with suburban Connecticut accent. He's got a Stanford education. He's a billionaire. He married a supermodel. Basically he's been the paragon of success, and the hero of hypercompetitive malcontents everywhere.

To me, he's just been boring. Uninteresting. Boring because he didn't seem real. I don't mean that in a "I knew it all along--he was too good to be true!" sort of way. I mean that in that way that people that I find interesting are usually layered and flawed; Tiger seemed the opposite of that. In an odd way, this "scandal" actually makes me pay attention, because I am starting to find him somewhat interesting.

The people that I find hilarious in this situation that are cheering his downfall. Like, "Oooh! Tiger's gonna get his now! Did you see Gatorate pulled his product line? He's gonna lose all his sponsorships, the dirty cheater!" Ummm, no. Fucktards.

Let's do a little math here: Eldrick Tiger Woods is a fucking billionaire. Let's be very conservative and assume he's only 10% liquid. Now lets be even more conservative and assume that $100M is only earning him a 5% rate of return. Simple math tells you the man will continue to earn at least $5M a year for the rest of his life if he never swings a club or signs another endorsement deal ever again. And that's a very conservative estimate; in reality it's probably closer to $20M annually.



Tiger doesn't give a shit what you think, or what I think. Nor should he. He doesn't give a shit what Gatorade or Phil Knight or Tim Finchem thinks either. More than likely, the only people who's opinions matter to Tiger are those of his wife and kids, family (his mother and his three siblings) and his close friends.

Regardless of levels of success in any (and every) other aspect of life, from here on out people will be judging Tiger for this indiscretion. That's his business. Not yours and not mine. All the same, I can't but help and find the whole thing...interesting. Finally.

Christian Audigier is a pederast

It has to stop, people. This is utter insanity. It's bad enough that we've been subjected to shitty Ed Hardy shirts, jeans and hats, but now we've got cups, candles, air fresheners and seat covers? Holy fuck, isn't there a recession going on? Why on God's green earth are people spending $50 for a shirt that looks like absolute crap?

I mean, generally the deciding factors in buying any sort of apparel are quality, price and style. We're talking 50-60 bucks for a fucking tee shirt here; how great can the quality really be? If it last five-ten years that makes it...oh, just about as durable as every other tee shirt I own. If this was the coolest thing since the Wonderbra, I could dig it, but seriously? Look at this shirt. LOOK AT IT!


That's a professional model in that pic and the shirt still looks hideous. They all look hideous. Your average Ed Hardy shirt has a disgusting combination of hearts, roses, tigers and eagles vomited out in random disarray and covered with Swarovski crystals, sometimes including scrollwork with the ubiquitous quote, "Love Kills Slowly." Yeah. Like, whatever the fuck that means. Ed Hardy shirts come every color imaginable, yet still manage to look bad with every article of clothing ever created. Its a rare accomplishment for one shirt to suck this much; the only things that go well with Ed Hardy clothing are fake orange tans and social ostracism.

The one redeeming quality they have is that they usually serve as an excellent social barometer. If I meet a dude wearing an Ed Hardy shirt I can immediately tell one of two things.

• He’s under 23. Mom and dad are still shelling out ridiculous gobs of cash to support his various habits, which include jaegerbombs, absurd amounts of hair product, bad fashion choices and cocaine. His faux-goth urban hipster ass just graduated from shopping at Hot Topic, but it hasn't evolved an iota.
• He’s over 23. He’s a complete douchetard that has no sense of fashion and an even poorer sense of silly things like “self respect” and “good hygiene.” Yes, I’m talking to you asshole; spraying on Axe until your eyes swell up is no excuse for bathing. You do not look "hardcore" or "edgy." You look like a fucking douche. Plain and simple.

And because a picture says a thousand words:


So that's my feelings on the subject. Had to get that off my chest as the holiday shopping season is upon us. Cheers, people.

Goodbye, Brandon Graham...

The 3rd Saturday of November has come and gone. Michigan turns the page on another disappointing season. New Years Day will roll by in 2010 (like in 2009) with me not being overly excited about anything...a feeling that is still somehow unfamiliar. What is left for the kids and coaches heading into the 2010 season is hope. Hope that the game slows down; that "bigger-faster-stronger" becomes a reality; that The System shows it can work; that the hard work pays off eventually.

For a small group of outgoing seniors, that hope is gone; they will never play college football again. Some will move on to the NFL and others will have success in areas outside of football. But this isn't about that. This post is very simply a heartfelt "thank you" to one man: Brandon Graham. BG55. Double Nickels.

I can honestly say in almost 20 years of watching football, I have NEVER seen a player on a team (and a defense) as atrociously bad as the 2009 Wolverines play so damn well. I've never seen a player on a team that bad play so hard on every single snap.



Coming out of high school four years ago, I'm sure you saw Big Ten championships, BCS bowl games and maybe even a run at the National Title in your future. I'm sorry that it didn't work out that way, kid. But the defense this year wasn't your fault.

• Not your fault that in Lloyd’s last three classes, he only signed four DTs, two of which (Kates, McKinney) didn’t stick around.
• Not your fault that Jones and Graves decommitted last year, and that Martin has no help inside
• Not your fault that the LBers behind you might have been the worst-coached UM linebackers in 40 years.
• Not your fault that in 2009 UM had exactly one scholarship player (Williams) at Safety on the roster.
• Not your fault that Cissoko couldn’t take school seriously, leaving Warren as the only legitimate B10-caliber CB with any experience at all.
• Not your fault that Witty didn’t qualify on time or that Turner showed up late and out-of-shape and couldn’t give #6 any help.

My buddy Johnny says it more poetically than I ever could about you: "When you are calm, leadership is all procedure. I have been here a while and I will say uplifting things; that is my job. Beyond that, it is up to them. They recognize your pain but they do not feel it as thoroughly as you do. How could they? No one else’s talent is as immense, as glaringly squandered on this embarrassment."

So I'm sorry it's over for you at UM, BG55. I know this wasn't the way it was supposed to be; the most talented defensive player to walk through Schembechler Hall since Woodson shouldn't have left not playing in a Bowl Game as an upperclassman nor ever having beaten OSU. But that's the way it worked out. The football gods owe us big-time and one of these years we are going to collect in a major way.

For now, get ready for the draft. And if you ever stop and wonder about the things you didn't accomplish at Michigan, or maybe "what if" about what might have happened if you went elsewhere, I have only one thing to say.

Thank you. For everything.

Swine flu is scary...if you're a big pussy

In less than six months I've managed to acquire a furious hatred of the swine flue for a variety of reason. And no, this obviously isn't one of those, "Oh I got the swine flu and it was terrible. Boo-hoo..." columns (if I ever write anything like that, I'll make sure I stab myself in the face with a potato peeler) because--as most of you are no doubt aware--I can't get swine flu due to my badass immune system. But more on that later.

No, the reason I hate swine flue falls directly at the feet of the National Panic Inducing Media of America (who knew I could be redundant and ironcal at the same time?), who have been running with this H1N1 thing for months now. Enough with it, already! People, stop paying attention to these dipshits trying to sell suscriptions/airtime/whatever and quit worrying.

Ever since people started realizing that Magic Johnson has been living with AIDS for like 30 years now the media has been trying to figure out new ways to scare the crap out of us via infectious disease. First it was SARS. Run! Panic! Oh wait...less than 800 people died from that worldwide. Next is was H5N1 Bird Flu. Run! Panic! Oh wait...less than 400 died from that shit too.

So far in 2009, roughly 200 people have died in the US from swine flu and now they're trying to pawn this thing off as being the Next Global Pandemic. Really? Okay, let's take a look at the symptoms of H1N1:
* fever
* sore throats
* coughs
* muscle aches
* headaches
* lethargy
* conjunctivitis (eye infections)
* breathing difficulties
* chest pains.
Hmmm...maybe you can't see any difference between those symptoms and the symptoms for regular flu. You know why? Because there isn't any difference, fucktards! Guess how many people die from regular flu every year? According to the CDC, it's approximately 36,000 people. Wow, my degree isn't in math but by reckoning that makes the common flu about 150 times more lethal (and thus, 150 times more awesome) than swine flu.

If you're still somehow concerned and want to flu-proof yourself, don't take some bullshit vaccine that doesn't even counteract the strain of flu it was intended to; come see me. Okay, first picture the most badass thing you can, I don't care what it is. Now imagine it somehow being twice as badass as you pictured it. Got it? Okay, cool: that's what my immune system looks like from the inside.

I've never called in sick to work (and actually been sick) a day in my life. I get a cold like once every three years and it's gone in two days. Once (in 2005) I got the flu (the regular awesome variety) and it fled screaming in terror from my body in less than 36 hours. Hang around me long enough and you will stop getting sick, too.

Internal view of a B2K™ white blood cell standing over a mound of dead flu pathogens

As most of you know, I tend to not worry about much of anything. I sure as shit am not going to start worrying about some bullshit mutant flu virus that only packs enough punch to kill 20 people a month. But if you're still a bit nervous, swing by Ann Arbor and let me cough in your face. Or, if you're a hot chick (if you've forgotten how I roll in that department, click HERE) we can make out. After all, it's for your own good.