Swine flu is scary...if you're a big pussy

In less than six months I've managed to acquire a furious hatred of the swine flue for a variety of reason. And no, this obviously isn't one of those, "Oh I got the swine flu and it was terrible. Boo-hoo..." columns (if I ever write anything like that, I'll make sure I stab myself in the face with a potato peeler) because--as most of you are no doubt aware--I can't get swine flu due to my badass immune system. But more on that later.

No, the reason I hate swine flue falls directly at the feet of the National Panic Inducing Media of America (who knew I could be redundant and ironcal at the same time?), who have been running with this H1N1 thing for months now. Enough with it, already! People, stop paying attention to these dipshits trying to sell suscriptions/airtime/whatever and quit worrying.

Ever since people started realizing that Magic Johnson has been living with AIDS for like 30 years now the media has been trying to figure out new ways to scare the crap out of us via infectious disease. First it was SARS. Run! Panic! Oh wait...less than 800 people died from that worldwide. Next is was H5N1 Bird Flu. Run! Panic! Oh wait...less than 400 died from that shit too.

So far in 2009, roughly 200 people have died in the US from swine flu and now they're trying to pawn this thing off as being the Next Global Pandemic. Really? Okay, let's take a look at the symptoms of H1N1:
* fever
* sore throats
* coughs
* muscle aches
* headaches
* lethargy
* conjunctivitis (eye infections)
* breathing difficulties
* chest pains.
Hmmm...maybe you can't see any difference between those symptoms and the symptoms for regular flu. You know why? Because there isn't any difference, fucktards! Guess how many people die from regular flu every year? According to the CDC, it's approximately 36,000 people. Wow, my degree isn't in math but by reckoning that makes the common flu about 150 times more lethal (and thus, 150 times more awesome) than swine flu.

If you're still somehow concerned and want to flu-proof yourself, don't take some bullshit vaccine that doesn't even counteract the strain of flu it was intended to; come see me. Okay, first picture the most badass thing you can, I don't care what it is. Now imagine it somehow being twice as badass as you pictured it. Got it? Okay, cool: that's what my immune system looks like from the inside.

I've never called in sick to work (and actually been sick) a day in my life. I get a cold like once every three years and it's gone in two days. Once (in 2005) I got the flu (the regular awesome variety) and it fled screaming in terror from my body in less than 36 hours. Hang around me long enough and you will stop getting sick, too.

Internal view of a B2K™ white blood cell standing over a mound of dead flu pathogens

As most of you know, I tend to not worry about much of anything. I sure as shit am not going to start worrying about some bullshit mutant flu virus that only packs enough punch to kill 20 people a month. But if you're still a bit nervous, swing by Ann Arbor and let me cough in your face. Or, if you're a hot chick (if you've forgotten how I roll in that department, click HERE) we can make out. After all, it's for your own good.

One beer at a time

So in today's Daily Dose of Awesome, the story begins with a jaunt to the bank, courtesy of the lovely and talented Katee Jones. It's an absolutely beautiful fall day in Michigan. The kind of day that makes you love this state: a crisp 50 degrees and not a cloud in the sky; trees beginning to change colors and just the hint of a breeze complete the effect.

Due to a somewhat complicated set of circumstances, I worked yesterday (Saturday) but have all of today off. Cool, right? Seems to be a perfect day to just chillax and watch some football. Well, except for the fact that the 49ers have a bye this week and the Lions play with all the pussiance of a wounded baby seal...but I digress. Anyways, on the way back from the bank we have to pass right by Golfside Market, which is the closest liquor store to Casa de B2K. I figure a quick pitstop for some brews is in order.

As I'm walking in to the market, I notice an old homeless dude sitting on the curb out in the parking lot, but didn't really think anything of it. Of course, as Im perusing the beer aisle, the thought occurs to me: yeah, it's an almost perfect day outside, but it might not be almost perfect if I was homeless. It might, in point of fact, suck balls. But--if I was homeless--it would probably suck less (or smaller) balls if I had a beer to take the sting off the hand life was currently dealing me.

So I plunk down some cash, grab my brews and head back out into the wonderful sunshine. At this point I turn to said homeless guy and offer him a beer. He says yes, and thanks me as I hand him one.

Image courtesy of getaway driver Katee Jones

As I pick up my case and head to the car, he says something I can still hear ringing in my head. "Turned out to be a beautiful day, didn't it?"

I'm not sure if he was talking about the weather or my small generosity or both, but in retrospect it doesn't matter. The answer is the same either way: Yes. Yes, it surely did.

MNF + Elton John = WIN

Anyone that watches the NFL on a semi-regular basis is probably aware the UM alum Chad Henne powered the Miami dolphins to an inspired win over the NY Jets last Monday night. Anyone that knows me knows that, as a third-generation 49er fan, I have a newfound hatred for the NY Jets and their Crabtree-tampering asses. Anyone that has any taste at all in music should appreciate the dulcet tones of Sir Elton (or someone that sounds eerily similar to him).

Thus, my friends, enjoy...

Never had it in the can. And proud of it...

I pretty much dislike all things Budweiser. Well, except their commercials. This one is my new personal favorite.

Hilariously vague anal sex reference sanitized for mass media consumption = WIN!

Crabtree signs with SF. Queue the conspiracy music!

So first round draft pick Michael Crabtree finally signed with the 49ers today, 72 days after contract talks began on July 28th. Okay that's all well and good; we need a a gamebreaker at wideout (and have since TO took his sorry ass to Philly) and we finally got one. What I find interesting here is the timing.

--September 20th. Crabtree is the only NFL rookie yet to sign with his respective team. Crabtree's agent Eugene Parker and the 49er brass are apparently "far apart" from coming to an agreement to get Crabtree signed.

--September 21st. The 49ers accuse the New York Jets of tampering and file charges with the NFL. The Jets deny the allegations. The 49ers believe the Jets contacted Parker, to let him know they'd be interested in trading for Crabtree's rights, or in drafting him in 2010 with a better salary than the 49ers were offering. Both of these are totally illegal under NFL draft regs.

--October 5th. Talented but drama-prone former UM wideout Braylon Edwards is involved in yet another off the field fracas. The Brown are publicly displeased with this display of douchery, especially in light of Edwards' stinking it up on the field this year.

--October 6th. Edwards trade talks begin between the Cleveland Browns and--wait for it!--the NY Jets. Perhaps not coincidentally, Crabtree and his agent Parker charter a plane and fly to SF to begin contract negotiations with the 49ers brass.

--October 7th. Edwards is officially traded to the Jets. Crabtree and the 49ers finalize their deal within an hour.

So let's see here...the team that was accused of tampering with the contract status of an Elite WR A manages to sign another Elite WR B via a completely different set of circumstances. The moment this happens Elite WR A loses all leverage and he and his agent start capitulating like the French in 1940. So call me crazy but I have to think Rex Ryan and the Jets were completely full of shit when they so vehemently DENIED said tampering charges.

And somehow lost in all this drama is the fact that the mystery matchmaker that media sources are crediting with getting both sides together at the 11th hour is none other than MC Hammer. No, you can't make this stuff up, people. Apparently Hammer is an associate of both Eugene Parker and 49ers COO Andy Dolich; Parker from his current circle and Dolich from the days when Hammer went by Stanley Burrell and was a bat boy for the Oakland A's.

Hey, whateva; we got us a wideout and look to be playoff bound. As my man Stanley says:

Sparty will rise! He will rise up...

Okay, so it's that week again: Michigan-Michigan State week. This is maybe my favorite time of year in Ann Arbor. Crisp days and cold nights; changing leaves, hoodies and mornings built around slippers on my feet and a triple-shot grande tuxedo mocha (no whip, tyvm) in my hand. Fall is here and hooray for that.

With Fall and MSU week comes the inevitable banter that pops up if one lives in the state of Michigan. I have been involved in this "rivalry" since 1997, so I have a pretty solid idea of what's going on...or at least I did, until this year.

You see, last year Michigan did the unthinkable and went 3-9; losing record and no bowl game for the first time in 40 years. This of course prompted mass hysteria amongst the maize and blue faithful...


Matthew 13:50: "And there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth."

This I expected. As a self-proclaimed "rational" college football fan, I understand that every major dynasty in CFB has endured the dreaded "rebuilding" year at least once in the last four decades...except Michigan. Guess what? We were due.

What I did NOT expect was the widespread outbreak of apparent brain damage amongst the majority of MSU fans statewide. "State is on the rise!" and "The balance of power has shifted!" have been heard around the Mitt as the rallying cry of the Spartan proletariat.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Sparty. I have several friends that are loyal MSU fans and I have no problem with that. Hell, I can honestly say that over the last decade I've rooted for MSU to win every game they played that wasn't against Michigan. But enough is enough. Dim-witted vitriolic quotes by MSU coach Dantonio have combined with enough hollering (loud noises!) by the green and white masses and incessant myopic media drivel to finally push me over the edge.

So...in a word: no.

The balance of power has not shifted, idiots. UM is still the winningest program in the history of college football. Most wins and best winning percentage? Check. Big Ten Championships? We have 42. Sparty is the proud owner of seven. Seven total titles; not like "seven in the last decade." The University of Chicago(!) has more Big Ten titles than that. National titles? Eleven to State's one. Hell, MSU has been to the Rose Bowl one frickin time in my entire lifetime. Scoreboard, bitches.

And let's take a quick look at this "on the rise" farce. It's been happening for decades now, so like ummm, shouldn't they have actually risen at least once or twice?

"We're about to enter a season that could produce major changes, in perception or reality. It's huge for the Spartans because the ceiling appears to be rising."
--Bob Wojnowski The Detroit News, September 5, 2009

"Everybody at Michigan State seems intent on building a consistent Big Ten contender. This is wonderful, and it is not just talk. This clearly is a program on the rise."
--Michael Rosenberg, The Detroit Free Press, January 3, 2009

"MSU is 6-2 and, apart from a bad loss to Ohio State last weekend, has been on the rise under second-year coach Mark Dantonio."
--Lynn Henning, Detroit News, October 22, 2008

"At times, they've looked like a program really on the rise under second-year Coach John L. Smith."
--Dave Dye, Detroit News, November 28, 2004

"Instead of the injury to Dortch -- he's the fourth cornerback MSU has lost since preseason camp opened -- breaking the Spartans' spirit, it actually seemed to inspire them. "It's the sign of a program on the rise," secondary coach Troy Douglas said of MSU's ability to handle adversity."
--Dave Dye, The Detroit News, October 28, 2001

"Rumor Is Saban Has Spartans On The Rise. This could be a breakthrough year for the Spartans, who are ready to jump out of the shadow of the Maize and Blue monster to the southeast."
--Andrew Bagnato, Chicago Tribune, August 13, 1997

"He thinks the Spartans are on the rise again. That was evident last year, he said, because despite the 5-6 overall record, MSU finished third in the Big Ten with a 5-3 mark."
--Tim May, September 3, 1993

"Michigan State is the fastest-rising team in the nation."
--Tom Lemming, February 5, 1993

"They're a team on the rise right now."
--Chicago Tribune, September 5, 1985

So don't get mad, Little Brother. Stop talking about rising and pull a Nike: just do it. Stop whining about being disrespected; you've been a .500 program for the last four decades. You want respect? Go earn it.