6 Simple Rules

So my last blog was depressing as shit. There, I said it. In an effort to get back to myself (read: Happy Fun B2K) I decided to return to a conversation that I had with a few of my female friends recently regarding my bemoaning the local lack of heavily-inked hotties here.

Hey, it’s Michigan. I get it. My Holy Trinity of Hotness (tattoos, abs and fake boobs for those of you that missed it the first time) is almost nowhere to be found here in the Mitt, so what’s a guy to do? I mean, I have to maintain standards. FUN FACT 1—It’s a well known and long-established fact that I have standards, not morals—END FUN FACT 1. Going back to my last blog, those standards are probably the very reason that I’m not married and/or am not shelling out child support for a bunch of Mini-Bs.

So in an effort to clarify for my friends, and perhaps give a smidgen of hope to whatever ladies in the greater Detroit Metro Area have delusions of dating grandeur, let me present the Official B2K Deal-Breaker list. I mean, if I can’t have what I want, I may as well explain what I don’t want.

1. Must Look Good Naked. I’m a guy and as such, I love a great set of tits. But I’m not a “tits guy.” I’m actually an “ass guy.” But this ass should be accompanied by at least some (read: non-concave) development in the breast area. Abs are a bonus, but if you ain’t got em, it’s not the end of the world. But cankles, muffintops and any other assorted accoutrements resulting from too much beer/too little gym are definitely a no-go.

2. Must Have a Strong Desire to Suck Dick. Mine, preferably. Figured I’d get this one out of the way early. I’m not particularly worried about skill level here; I can teach technique. FUN FACT 2—I once dated a girl that, over the course of the day regularly requested to go down on me. "You stressed, baby? How bout a blow job?"—END FUN FACT 2. Umm, yes. Yes and yes. Please and thank you. That’s exactly the sort of motivation I’m talking about here.

3. Must Not be Stupid. Pretty self-explanatory. I don’t need to date a rocket scientist or even someone exceptionally intelligent. But if we have a three minute conversation and you feel the need to run and check the thesaurus more than once, it probably isn’t meant to be. Sorry, toots.

4. Must Not be a Douchebag. If your Myspace profile is covered in Louis Vuitton and D&G logos and large glittery graphics that say things like “Classy Bitch,” chances are we won’t get along. If you regularly go to any club and have jerked-off, blown or fucked either the promoter or the DJ, sorry to break it to you, but you’re basically a party favor. Hey, I have no problems with party favors; I just tend to like mine a little less whorish.

5. Must Possess an Intense Desire to Alleviate My Boredom. I have a tendency to get bored. Often. However, having an insatiable desire to have sex with me as often as possible will go a long way towards curing that. You coming out of the shower and crawling onto my lap asking to be spanked piques my interest. You purposely bending over in front of me and pretending to tie your shoes even though you're barefoot gets my attention. It's your job to keep our sex life fresh and exciting. It is my job to get bored with you and want to bang other girls. If you do your job, I'll be too busy to do my job.

6. Must Be Mildly Epicurious. No, this doesn’t involve other girls or assgasms (although an appreciation for both goes a long way in your favor) but food. I’m a foodie. I don’t expect you to be. Nor do I expect you to known the difference between a New York and a Kansas City Strip, or the difference between a Shiraz and a Malbec. (Bonus points if you do, btw.) But if the only thing you ever order in a restaurant is “chicken,” you are undoubtedly going to be pushing my boredom button soon…and we all know where this is going once that happens.

That’s pretty much it. And ladies, don't hesitate to make suggestions of things I might add to the list. Perhaps you have some special quality I should be looking for in a girl (unlikely) that you think you have (you don't), or you'd like to sabotage the chances of other women in some clever way. By all means, add your silliness to my list.

With this blog addition I feel like I’ve clarified a few things, as well as getting one step closer to finding my one true love. I know she's out there, somewhere, just waiting to reveal herself to me so we can live together in eternal bliss.

At least until I find out she used to blow the DJ.

Kisses!