Sparty will rise! He will rise up...

Okay, so it's that week again: Michigan-Michigan State week. This is maybe my favorite time of year in Ann Arbor. Crisp days and cold nights; changing leaves, hoodies and mornings built around slippers on my feet and a triple-shot grande tuxedo mocha (no whip, tyvm) in my hand. Fall is here and hooray for that.

With Fall and MSU week comes the inevitable banter that pops up if one lives in the state of Michigan. I have been involved in this "rivalry" since 1997, so I have a pretty solid idea of what's going on...or at least I did, until this year.

You see, last year Michigan did the unthinkable and went 3-9; losing record and no bowl game for the first time in 40 years. This of course prompted mass hysteria amongst the maize and blue faithful...


Matthew 13:50: "And there shall be wailing and gnashing of teeth."

This I expected. As a self-proclaimed "rational" college football fan, I understand that every major dynasty in CFB has endured the dreaded "rebuilding" year at least once in the last four decades...except Michigan. Guess what? We were due.

What I did NOT expect was the widespread outbreak of apparent brain damage amongst the majority of MSU fans statewide. "State is on the rise!" and "The balance of power has shifted!" have been heard around the Mitt as the rallying cry of the Spartan proletariat.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Sparty. I have several friends that are loyal MSU fans and I have no problem with that. Hell, I can honestly say that over the last decade I've rooted for MSU to win every game they played that wasn't against Michigan. But enough is enough. Dim-witted vitriolic quotes by MSU coach Dantonio have combined with enough hollering (loud noises!) by the green and white masses and incessant myopic media drivel to finally push me over the edge.

So...in a word: no.

The balance of power has not shifted, idiots. UM is still the winningest program in the history of college football. Most wins and best winning percentage? Check. Big Ten Championships? We have 42. Sparty is the proud owner of seven. Seven total titles; not like "seven in the last decade." The University of Chicago(!) has more Big Ten titles than that. National titles? Eleven to State's one. Hell, MSU has been to the Rose Bowl one frickin time in my entire lifetime. Scoreboard, bitches.

And let's take a quick look at this "on the rise" farce. It's been happening for decades now, so like ummm, shouldn't they have actually risen at least once or twice?

"We're about to enter a season that could produce major changes, in perception or reality. It's huge for the Spartans because the ceiling appears to be rising."
--Bob Wojnowski The Detroit News, September 5, 2009

"Everybody at Michigan State seems intent on building a consistent Big Ten contender. This is wonderful, and it is not just talk. This clearly is a program on the rise."
--Michael Rosenberg, The Detroit Free Press, January 3, 2009

"MSU is 6-2 and, apart from a bad loss to Ohio State last weekend, has been on the rise under second-year coach Mark Dantonio."
--Lynn Henning, Detroit News, October 22, 2008

"At times, they've looked like a program really on the rise under second-year Coach John L. Smith."
--Dave Dye, Detroit News, November 28, 2004

"Instead of the injury to Dortch -- he's the fourth cornerback MSU has lost since preseason camp opened -- breaking the Spartans' spirit, it actually seemed to inspire them. "It's the sign of a program on the rise," secondary coach Troy Douglas said of MSU's ability to handle adversity."
--Dave Dye, The Detroit News, October 28, 2001

"Rumor Is Saban Has Spartans On The Rise. This could be a breakthrough year for the Spartans, who are ready to jump out of the shadow of the Maize and Blue monster to the southeast."
--Andrew Bagnato, Chicago Tribune, August 13, 1997

"He thinks the Spartans are on the rise again. That was evident last year, he said, because despite the 5-6 overall record, MSU finished third in the Big Ten with a 5-3 mark."
--Tim May, September 3, 1993

"Michigan State is the fastest-rising team in the nation."
--Tom Lemming, February 5, 1993

"They're a team on the rise right now."
--Chicago Tribune, September 5, 1985

So don't get mad, Little Brother. Stop talking about rising and pull a Nike: just do it. Stop whining about being disrespected; you've been a .500 program for the last four decades. You want respect? Go earn it.