Swine flu is scary...if you're a big pussy

In less than six months I've managed to acquire a furious hatred of the swine flue for a variety of reason. And no, this obviously isn't one of those, "Oh I got the swine flu and it was terrible. Boo-hoo..." columns (if I ever write anything like that, I'll make sure I stab myself in the face with a potato peeler) because--as most of you are no doubt aware--I can't get swine flu due to my badass immune system. But more on that later.

No, the reason I hate swine flue falls directly at the feet of the National Panic Inducing Media of America (who knew I could be redundant and ironcal at the same time?), who have been running with this H1N1 thing for months now. Enough with it, already! People, stop paying attention to these dipshits trying to sell suscriptions/airtime/whatever and quit worrying.

Ever since people started realizing that Magic Johnson has been living with AIDS for like 30 years now the media has been trying to figure out new ways to scare the crap out of us via infectious disease. First it was SARS. Run! Panic! Oh wait...less than 800 people died from that worldwide. Next is was H5N1 Bird Flu. Run! Panic! Oh wait...less than 400 died from that shit too.

So far in 2009, roughly 200 people have died in the US from swine flu and now they're trying to pawn this thing off as being the Next Global Pandemic. Really? Okay, let's take a look at the symptoms of H1N1:
* fever
* sore throats
* coughs
* muscle aches
* headaches
* lethargy
* conjunctivitis (eye infections)
* breathing difficulties
* chest pains.
Hmmm...maybe you can't see any difference between those symptoms and the symptoms for regular flu. You know why? Because there isn't any difference, fucktards! Guess how many people die from regular flu every year? According to the CDC, it's approximately 36,000 people. Wow, my degree isn't in math but by reckoning that makes the common flu about 150 times more lethal (and thus, 150 times more awesome) than swine flu.

If you're still somehow concerned and want to flu-proof yourself, don't take some bullshit vaccine that doesn't even counteract the strain of flu it was intended to; come see me. Okay, first picture the most badass thing you can, I don't care what it is. Now imagine it somehow being twice as badass as you pictured it. Got it? Okay, cool: that's what my immune system looks like from the inside.

I've never called in sick to work (and actually been sick) a day in my life. I get a cold like once every three years and it's gone in two days. Once (in 2005) I got the flu (the regular awesome variety) and it fled screaming in terror from my body in less than 36 hours. Hang around me long enough and you will stop getting sick, too.

Internal view of a B2K™ white blood cell standing over a mound of dead flu pathogens

As most of you know, I tend to not worry about much of anything. I sure as shit am not going to start worrying about some bullshit mutant flu virus that only packs enough punch to kill 20 people a month. But if you're still a bit nervous, swing by Ann Arbor and let me cough in your face. Or, if you're a hot chick (if you've forgotten how I roll in that department, click HERE) we can make out. After all, it's for your own good.