So I have a new crush...

And I mean "crush" in the most hetero, man-tastic way possible. Said crush is the band Steel Panther, which some of you may remember as the band Metal Skool (of Drew Carey's "Cleveland Rocks" fame) or Danger Kitty from the infamous Discover card commercial HERE.

While it seems amazing to me that a band that has been the recipient of the "Best Tribute Band in the Universe" award (All Access Magazine) should have escaped my noticed, that's not even the most incredible part. In addition to being glam-tastic (and as a child of the 80's, this is something I can appreciate), these dudes are fuckin hilarious. Okay, once again: how have I never heard of them?



These are the guys that have relesed albums titled Love Rocket, Hole Patrol (no, I'm not kidding) and Feel the Steel. Thier singles include the 2005 hit Fat Girl (Thar She Blows) and the recently released Community Property, the song that actually led to my discovery of these guys.

Said song includes such heartwarming lyrics as:

I would give you the stars in the sky
But they're too far away
If you were a hooker, you'd know
I'd be happy to pay
If suddenly you were a guy
I'd be suddenly gay
It goes on and gets better. But the video is truly epic. Check it out, yo. Crank it up and rock out, but know that it's NSFW. Cheers!

**Follow-up edit. It looks like the embedding was disabled by the by the artist, but you can still peep the video HERE.

6 Simple Rules

So my last blog was depressing as shit. There, I said it. In an effort to get back to myself (read: Happy Fun B2K) I decided to return to a conversation that I had with a few of my female friends recently regarding my bemoaning the local lack of heavily-inked hotties here.

Hey, it’s Michigan. I get it. My Holy Trinity of Hotness (tattoos, abs and fake boobs for those of you that missed it the first time) is almost nowhere to be found here in the Mitt, so what’s a guy to do? I mean, I have to maintain standards. FUN FACT 1—It’s a well known and long-established fact that I have standards, not morals—END FUN FACT 1. Going back to my last blog, those standards are probably the very reason that I’m not married and/or am not shelling out child support for a bunch of Mini-Bs.

So in an effort to clarify for my friends, and perhaps give a smidgen of hope to whatever ladies in the greater Detroit Metro Area have delusions of dating grandeur, let me present the Official B2K Deal-Breaker list. I mean, if I can’t have what I want, I may as well explain what I don’t want.

1. Must Look Good Naked. I’m a guy and as such, I love a great set of tits. But I’m not a “tits guy.” I’m actually an “ass guy.” But this ass should be accompanied by at least some (read: non-concave) development in the breast area. Abs are a bonus, but if you ain’t got em, it’s not the end of the world. But cankles, muffintops and any other assorted accoutrements resulting from too much beer/too little gym are definitely a no-go.

2. Must Have a Strong Desire to Suck Dick. Mine, preferably. Figured I’d get this one out of the way early. I’m not particularly worried about skill level here; I can teach technique. FUN FACT 2—I once dated a girl that, over the course of the day regularly requested to go down on me. "You stressed, baby? How bout a blow job?"—END FUN FACT 2. Umm, yes. Yes and yes. Please and thank you. That’s exactly the sort of motivation I’m talking about here.

3. Must Not be Stupid. Pretty self-explanatory. I don’t need to date a rocket scientist or even someone exceptionally intelligent. But if we have a three minute conversation and you feel the need to run and check the thesaurus more than once, it probably isn’t meant to be. Sorry, toots.

4. Must Not be a Douchebag. If your Myspace profile is covered in Louis Vuitton and D&G logos and large glittery graphics that say things like “Classy Bitch,” chances are we won’t get along. If you regularly go to any club and have jerked-off, blown or fucked either the promoter or the DJ, sorry to break it to you, but you’re basically a party favor. Hey, I have no problems with party favors; I just tend to like mine a little less whorish.

5. Must Possess an Intense Desire to Alleviate My Boredom. I have a tendency to get bored. Often. However, having an insatiable desire to have sex with me as often as possible will go a long way towards curing that. You coming out of the shower and crawling onto my lap asking to be spanked piques my interest. You purposely bending over in front of me and pretending to tie your shoes even though you're barefoot gets my attention. It's your job to keep our sex life fresh and exciting. It is my job to get bored with you and want to bang other girls. If you do your job, I'll be too busy to do my job.

6. Must Be Mildly Epicurious. No, this doesn’t involve other girls or assgasms (although an appreciation for both goes a long way in your favor) but food. I’m a foodie. I don’t expect you to be. Nor do I expect you to known the difference between a New York and a Kansas City Strip, or the difference between a Shiraz and a Malbec. (Bonus points if you do, btw.) But if the only thing you ever order in a restaurant is “chicken,” you are undoubtedly going to be pushing my boredom button soon…and we all know where this is going once that happens.

That’s pretty much it. And ladies, don't hesitate to make suggestions of things I might add to the list. Perhaps you have some special quality I should be looking for in a girl (unlikely) that you think you have (you don't), or you'd like to sabotage the chances of other women in some clever way. By all means, add your silliness to my list.

With this blog addition I feel like I’ve clarified a few things, as well as getting one step closer to finding my one true love. I know she's out there, somewhere, just waiting to reveal herself to me so we can live together in eternal bliss.

At least until I find out she used to blow the DJ.

Kisses!

Born on the 3rd of July

So if my Dad was still alive, he’d be 66 today. In September, it will have been six years since he passed. Seems like yesterday.

It’s funny when you think about “time” and how it passes. I can remember stretches of years that seemed like...well, they seemed like years. But since the old man left, I dunno. It’s weird. Sometimes it seems like I just blinked and he was there, and now he’s not.

Part of it’s probably just growing older. You get more time under your belt and more memories in your head, the less any one particular thing stands out. Maybe. Could be because I’m still single with no kids. I don’t have anything like an anniversary or a child’s birthday to give me tangible evidence of the years passing.

It gets even weirder when I break out the photo album. I was just looking at this pic today.



This photo was taken ten years ago today. That’s two of my best friends in Danielle (who also happens to have a birthday on July 3rd) and Dave and I at Dani’s birthday party. Dave now has a beard, but otherwise looks the same. Danielle’s gained like five pounds but basically looks the same. I’ve got a few more lines on my face, but I pretty much look the same too. WTF?

And then I think: this was ten years ago. In fact, going back to the time that pic was taken, it’s amazing to think my father has been alive for less than half of that decade. Double WTF!

But time flies and you make the best of what you’ve got. Hopefully you live happily ever after. But sometimes you don’t. Cancer, after all, is a motherfucker. So live, laugh and love, people, because you never know what tomorrow may bring. Well...actually, in this particular case, I do: another birthday. Happy birthday, America.