Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?
Rob: You don't call.
Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.
Rob: Right.
Mike: So I don't call either way?
Rob: Right.
Mike: So what's the difference?
Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her?
Rob: Right.
Mike: Well that sucks.
Rob: Yeah, it sucks.
Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite.
Mike: What do you mean?
Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her.
Mike: Well what if she comes back first?
Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
Mike: There's the rub.
Rob: There's the rub.
She cancelled on me today. Again. But this time something was different. First, I knew she was going to. Second--and more importantly--I didn't care. I didn't care and it didn't hurt.
Dear God, what a blessed relief.
Never underestimate the power of a long drive to clear your head. I had two this last weekend and I've managed to think and re-think and think again. I guess something in me finally lost the will to fight; to keep on caring more than she did and put as much as I could into this roller-coaster ride while she clearly did not. (11 days ago she's talking about moving in together come September and for the last week she's been "too busy" to hang out for something as simple as having lunch together. WTF is that?)
I'm done wondering. It doesn't matter. Somehow the hole I've been carrying around in the pit of my stomach since February is gone. I don't know what's next, but I look forward to life (for a while at least) without expectations. Damn, it feels good.
