Living the Dream...

I've hated Christmas for years. I went home to Cali for the Holidays last year and I'm pretty positive that was the first time I truly enjoyed Christmas since 1995.

I'm not 100% sure what's going on but--somehow--things seem different this year. Maybe it's perspective; I've gained a helluva lot of it in the last year. Maybe it's just because I'm happier with myself than I've been in a long time. Whatever, I find myself getting into the spirit of things far more than I have in the past.

I broke my foot last weekend. For some reason I thought that kicking a snowman sounded like a good idea. Unfortunately, it wasn't just a simple snowman, but a fucking ice sculpture that someone had sprinkled snow over. Yeah, like 90 lbs of solid ice. Needless to say, the ice didn't give, but I have the dislocated big toe and two cracked metatarsals to show that my foot did.

DON'T DO IT!

So I've got a cast on my foot and I'm motoring around on crutches for the next couple of weeks or so. NBD. The reality is, that little tangent aside, I've got it made. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face. I love my job. I love the people in my life. I love the direction my life seems to be going. But one thing I've come to be more cognizant of is that even when the destination looks sweet, you gotta enjoy the journey.

And I am, my friends. I'm enjoying every minute of it. Happy Holidays.

We don't know what this is, exactly. But it's Metal as Fuck.

This is a photograph of a menu--for maybe the Coolest Restaurant Ever--that has been making the rounds on the internet. On the plus side, this place looks unbelievably awesome. On the downside, despite my googlestalking prowess, I can find neither hide nor hair of said restaurant's physical location.

The low prices rule out the Coasts, and the psuedo-Pagan/Satanic nature of the restaurant itself probably rules out the Bible Belt. Thus, I'm thinking somewhere in the Midwest or Great Plains. I could totally see this place being a huge hit in Sturgis during the bike rally, fwiw.

Regardless, if anyone has any idea where this place is actually located, please do your small part towards making the world a better place and post it on this blog so I can spread the word. Thanks all! \m/

(click on pic to enlarge for full awesomeness)

We don't care where you like it...

unless it's in the butt.

Seriously.

Apparently unemployed Womyn's Studies graduates everywhere have been scheming to come up with a clever new trick to communicate in secret and leave us slow, knuckle-dragging men blinking like brook trout in befuddled wonder.

"I like it on the floor," "I like it on the couch," "I like it on my desk" ... you may have seen some of these Facebook status updates in the last week.

But what is "it"?

It is for "purse." The Washington Post's Melissa Bell explains:

Women are posting where they like to keep their purses when they come home, but they conveniently leave out the word "purse." October is Breast Cancer Awareness month, and the "I like it on" trend is an attempt for women to unite around that cause in a top secret way. The idea is figuratively to leave men in the dark.

Let me tell you what else "it" is: it's fucking stupid. Sorry, girls. If you want to PM each other or get some sweet group email going that leaves us me out, we're totally fine with that. But broadcasting anything that can be ambiguously related to sex while attempting to "figuratively leave men in the dark" is just plain asinine.

What’s the point? To sit back and see clueless responses of us idiot males as we are stupefied by your mysterious and provocative nature? The sheer disdainfulness of that is akin to pointing out if your puns were intended.

"Hey stupid Y-chromosome, you see that play on words I just made? Yeah, well that wasn't an accident. In fact, I thought it was so clever that I didn't think your simple mind would be able to comprehend the brilliance of my play on words, and I wanted to make sure you know that those of us with ovaries are not only smart enough to use homonyms, but that we’re smart enough to point them out."

If you want to post something chock-full of random sexual innuendo, make it worth my while, please. "I like it on my face" is a good start. "I like it on my butterfly tattoo" works as well; assuming the ink is on your lower back, my mind will immediately wander to the target practice and the trajectories involved.
And of course "I like it in the butt" will more than likely prompt a trip to CVS so I can buy you a toothbrush.

But whatever you do, please don't confuse "it" with "that." Because, as we all know, some of us just won't do That.

He is Fernando! The Party Planner!

I got this from one of my buddies who lives in NYC. Apparently this is a real commercial that actually airs on real television in the Bronx. (God bless America) This 1:10 of pure, unadulterated Awesomeness is best savored with the volume up loudly.



There might not be enough words in the B2K™ lexicon to adequately how awesomely bad this commercial is, but let's just start with the hair. Wow. Somewhere, Eriq La Salle is rejoicing that Soul-Glo has made it's triumphant return.


And this guys has some chops too. No, he'll never be The World's Most Interesting Man or even The Man Your Man Could Smell Like, but he's still got skillz. Enjoy.

Sometimes I Hate Facebook

For the record, I love Facebook. In addition to allowing me to connect to people I've met living all over the country, it provides delightful entertainment at times. Sadly, there are times when the bumrush of idiocy outweighs the entertainment value for me. One issue I have with Facebook is that it tends to bring out the stupid in people. Or rather, it allows the stupid in people to be broadcasted instantly and forcefully, in the form of inane Facebook updates.

First up we have the Quasi-Pious Update.
Leon ****** needs 2 jus wait 4 GOD 2 reveal my purpose, instead of trying 2 rush GOD 2 reveal my purpose.
Really? That's awesome. And i'm glad you saved so much time typing 2 instead to laboring to spell out to. Not to sound like the crotchety old man yelling "get off my lawn!" but how fucking lazy is that? And if it's not laziness, that's even worse, because you think it's cool. Guess what? Letters like U and R can mean words like You and Are! Sweet, huh? Douchetard.

How about the Superfluous Letter Update?
Erica ****** ♥ 's her bayybeeee!!!!
WTF? Call me old and crotchety (again) but I just don't get it when girlsss talk likeeee thissss I just don't understand what the need for those extra letters is. And when the hell did HANGIN WITH THE BESTIES become a fucking team sport?

And I loves me some Bullshit Internet Quote Update.
Wait for the guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, will stay awake just to watch you sleep...Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, Who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without make up, one who is constantly reminding you how much he cares and how lucky is he to have you. Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."
Bullshit and bullshit again, I say. Girls that post crap like this are the same type of girls that cheat on guys who act like that. Enough said.

Finally, we need to include the Meathead Douchebag Gym Update.
Mike ****** dear Jack3d and AMP whey protein and pro preformance creatine 189, thank you for letting me bench 250 lbs 2x, that's almost double my body weight and makes me feel awesome
Dear Mike, nobody cares. Not about what supplements you're using to mold your 13-inch guns, nor about what routine you are doing down at the Y, and not even about which product you use in your hair.

On second thought, that's amazing. What product are you using in your hair?

On the disturbing foresight of Mr. Jefferson...

I was reading this weekend (shocking, I know) and I came across this Thomas Jefferson quote:

"Yes, we did produce a near perfect republic. But will they keep it?
Or will they in their enjoyment of plenty, lose the memory of freedom?
Material abundance without character is the surest way to self-destruction.
Indeed, I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just."

Now, it's no secret that I've always had a man-crush on TJ. This guy was a serious badass. Yeah, sure everyone knows he wrote the Declaration of Independence. Most are hip to the fact that he made it illegal to import slaves (basically establishing the necessary framework for any and all future civil rights) and was responsible for acquiring 23% of modern day America's land.

Some are even aware that he was probably the smartest President in American history. (Case in point: John F. Kennedy once held a gathering with the brightest minds in the world--49 Nobel Prize winners--in the White House Dining Room. It was here that he quipped that this was "...probably the greatest concentration of talent and genius in this house except for perhaps those times when Thomas Jefferson ate alone." There were no laughs. Because it wasn't a joke.)

Not many are aware TJ won a war against pirates (in only one term!), designed his own home, which is often ranked as one of the top architectural wonders of America, or that he founded Virgina College because William and Mary wasn't smart enough for him. Oh, and did I mention HE HAD FUCKING AUTISM?! So yeah, basically the greatest political badass in American history--think Ronald Reagan meets Tony Stark.

That's just one reason why the above quote is disturbing to me. As I look around and see where we appear to be headed, none of it looks good. When I contemplate the fact that someone that intelligent saw the whole thing coming (and the general path it would take) roughly 250 years ago, it makes me take heed. Of course, what to do about it?

Random thoughts for a Monday afternoon. Cheers, people.

Conan the Musical?

No, it's not real, as much as it should be. After all, kids like musicals. Think of the awesome possibilities here of educating our young on the most important things in life early. Specifically, crushing your enemies, seeing them driven before you and hearing the lamentation of their women.

Yay(!) for montage awesomeness.

On another note, how boring--and lame--by comparison is the next governor of California going to be? Oh well...maybe this gives Arnie the chance to finally film Conan the King, like I (and nerds like me) have been waiting expectantly for the last 20 years or so.
If this thing actually gets completed, it will make Star Trek (2009) look like the Diet Coke of long-awaited sequel awesomeness. A guy can dream, right?